Lighters: The New Reefer Sport for Ladies and Gentleman

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion
28 May 2008
Vol. 420, Pg. 420

"Lighters: The New Reefer Sport for Ladies and Gentleman"
by B. Bryant Rancier

A new sport of binge imbibery is on the horizon, and I invented it. Except it is not the liquid imbibery one would expect. And if imbibing is a liquid-specific term, then it still doesn’t matter because imbibery, according to Microsoft Word and its red squigglies, isn’t a word either, as isn’t squigglies. The sport is called Lighters. Think of it along the same lines of the drinking games Quarters, Flip Cup, and Beer Pong/Beirut, games whereby one’s physical skills are pitted against another’s physical skills, games where a competitor “scores” by accomplishing a task quicker or more frequently than his opponent, and the loser is punished by consuming alcohol, the crux being that as one gets drunker, he will continue to perform worse and worse, or for a lucky few, better and better. But Lighters brings the concept of drinking games into new and uncharted waters, the waters of pot smoking. Sure stoners have their whole let’s watch a movie and toke up every time Ernest says “Vern” or whatever, but they don’t have these skill games that the drinkers are so fond of. Not until now!

Lighters is a simple idea, but it’s pretty tough, not to mention very amusing. And that feeling of accomplishment when you actually score? Priceless. What is the game that’s “seconds to learn, a lifetime to master”? Anyway, it’s the same thing with Lighters. So here’s how it works, and I hope the pictures help.

Lighters is a one on one game. You need two regular size Bic lighters, prefereably white with no plastic outcroppings. Also, ask me and I can put the pretty logo on there with a Sharpie. Each player has one of these lighters. You also need a packed bowl of marihuana. Joints, bongs, blunts, hookahs, and vaporizers could also work, but might be a little more wasteful, since you are only taking one hit at a time, although you could double or triple the hit count for each score if you so choose, it really depends on how responsible you think that would be for your own marihuana threshold. Because I’m all about safety.

So anyway, each person lays their lighter on its side, whichever way is comfortable. Then, taking one finger, it doesn’t matter which one, but not the thumb, try to stand the lighter upright by tilting the lighter from the base. When the first person accomplishes this, his opponent must take a hit from the bowl. It is actually very hard to do, though some have had more success than others. Each time you stand up a lighter this way, you score a point and your opponent must smoke. Generally you will play to 5, but once again, it’s up to you how high you want to get, or how high you want to get someone else, I should say. And then it might all go to shit when you decide, as the winner, that you aren’t high enough and want to smoke as much as the loser did, but the game is still a lot of fun. And harder than you would expect. You can use the table for finger-leverage, but not the edge of the table, as it was determined that this is much easier, as the edge essentially gives your finger perfect perpendicularity with the table; this makes steadying the lighter way too easy. After all, this is a game of physical skill.


I hope this game really catches on with stoners everywhere, I’m pretty thrilled about it.

The Agony and the Agony By Oscar McPhee

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion
28 May 2008
Vol. 37, Pg. 3,006-5,012

"The Agony and the Agony"
by Oscar McPhee

After going down 22-2 to the Knuckleheads last Monday, I vowed to not let my team get down on themselves enough to let it happen again. and they didn't; they discovered a whole different agonizing way to lose, 9-8 on a controversial play at the plate.

The game started just like every game against the Knuckleheads; we were down 5-0 after one inning. I reminded them how we worked the count and strung singles together last game, and we clawed back to 5-4. Our fielding woes returned in the 4th inning, getting us down 9-4 before I made some fielding changes that stabilized us. It was down to two outs in the 7th (last inning in middle school softball), score 9-7, Rafael on second.

I put in Treavis to pinch-run, and new team sensation Timmy is at the plate. Timmy hits a grounder off the mitt of the short stop and Treavis easily scores; I swear he's faster than my whole high school track team, and he's in the 7th grade. They try to get Timmy but he keeps chugging along. At third, it goes by the third baseman - Timmy is headed home! Maybe in retrospect he should have held, but right then, I knew it'd be close enough to take the chance. Throw comes in and the tag goes on at the same time Timmy crosses the plate (from my perspective). Called out by the ump. Game over.

Yea, I yelled a little, but it is just a game, and the kids have to learn to accept defeat even if they think it's unfair. I lined them up, we shook hands, and I said that at least now we know that we can beat the Knuckleheads.

Monday should be interesting.

Sweet Redemption By Oscar McPhee

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion
24 May 2008
Vol 35, pg 57-62

"Sweet Redemption"
by Oscar McPhee

It has been a trying week for Austin's ACCION Attaquers. Monday saw them demolished by Anthony's Knuckleheads 22-2 in a tribute to every fielding mistake that could possibly be made. Tuesday practice was rained out, but I had a team meeting in which I got on them, not for losing by that much, but for some of them wanting to throw in the towel and quit. I care about building character more than I do about wins and losses, I said, and to give up after an embarrassment like that would show weak character. We then elected team captains (BJ and Rafael) and watched Rookie of the Year. They laughed.

Today started out on several sour notes. For one, team star Treavis had to sit out because I foolishly let him play for Shameeka's team last Saturday. He hit two homers, and the kids on the other team recognized his giant afro and complained that he shouldn't be allowed to play for both teams. That and after two innings we were down 6-0, and I could see the kids starting to have flashbacks to Monday's apocalypse. After a particularly bad inning, I yelled at them to "WAKE UP!", and Manny and I explained that they were going to be playing small ball the rest of the way - working the count, making the pitcher throw strikes, singling and doubling him to death when he did. Worked like a charm. Final score of game one, 9-7. Game two, 10-5.

Honestly, we got lucky when the other team made some major mistakes in the field. Our baserunning is shady at best, and we'll have our hats handed to us by Anthony again if we run the bases like we did today. But right now, the important thing is that Austin's Attaquers stand at 2 wins and 2 losses. And the emerging confidence of our team was noticeable - Rondel surprised me by smacking two doubles, Yennsee made an electrifying debut behind the plate, even Tyler made solid contact! Once we get Treavis' roid magic back, I hope the team's swagger can carry them into at least a competitive game vs. the Knuckleheads.

Onward!

Treavis' Roid Rampage By Oscar McPhee

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion

17 May 2008

Vol. 34, Pg. 76-95

"Treavis' Roid Rampage"

by Oscar McPhee

For all you ACCION softball fans who worried about the slow start of both teams on Wednesday, fear not! Shameeka's (purposely misspelled) team got off the schnide in a big way this afternoon at ACCION field.

The game started innocently enough, the other team's tiny pitcher thowing a few more balls than strikes but generally keeping it together up there. But a few walks and line drives later, all was not right in "other team-ville". The first game of today's doubleheader took 3 and a half innings and had a final score of 15-3 (by rule, if one team is up by more than ten runs after the other team has come up to bat four times, the mercy rule is invoked). Game two saw mercy called much earlier, via a 17-0 2 inning romp. Other Team used just about every player they had to try to get the ball over the plate, and when they did our hitters rained terror on Other Team's fielders. It was just the kind of confidence boost those ACCION playas needed.

Player of the game I.M.O. was my team's stalwart, giant afro'd Treavis, who showed up on the off chance that Shameeka's team wouldn't have enough players. He had a solid outing in left field, but his true value was at the plate. With two men on in the first inning of game two, Treavis crushed a ball against a brick wall over the left field fence, easily a couple hundred feet from the plate. And it hit the wall high, at least twenty feet up I'd say, meaning his shot's "actual distance" was much further. He followed this by legging out an inside-the-park home run in the second inning, again with two men on base. I made him drink a Top Pop and give me a urine sample before he left, so we should know what sort of drugs are coursing through his wiry frame by Monday.

Now let's just hope my team can have the same success against the Saturday Other Team, but more importantly on Monday when Anthony's PS 246 Killer Killers come to town for second licks.

Composure Limited By Oscar McPhee

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion
May 16, 2008
Vol. 37, Pg 42-57

"Composure Limited"
by Oscar McPhee

Well gois and goils, Wednesday's softball game did not go as planned, as Austin's ACCION ATTAQUERS fell to Anthony's PS 246 Knuckleheads 6 to 2. The game wasn't even that close really, the score pushed to 5-1 after one inning.

BUT there were several things I was happy with. For one, our defense was actually very good. We turned three double plays in a five inning game - pitcher Marvin caught a line drive to his left and adeptly threw to first on one, and center fielder Trevor made a diving underhand catch and throw to first on another. I don't remember the third, but it was surely equally as awesome.

We worked on hitting today, because as I told them, 2 runs ain't gonna cut it in THIS league, boyo (and girlo)! The tough part is that the kids who are good at hitting are the ones most willing to take my advice in improving their swing and not flying out constantly. The kids who choke up and stand up there like Lurch will keep doing it no matter what I say. And I've gotta play everybody every game, because we're good sports and all, but jeez!! Lemme coach y'all!!!

An unfortunate incident happened after the game where one of my players told the other coach that they were lucky to win and the coach responded by talking about the errors said player had made. I told the coach to not talk to my kids that way, and apparently the way I said it was fairly aggressive since the other teams' assistant coach stepped between me and Anthony to keep a brawl from breaking out. But it's all behind us now!!!! I self-disciplined by running five laps around the field today for poor sportsmanship, a move my kids applauded, some of them even joining me for a lap or two.

Our next game is Monday against the very same team. I'll be wearing a muzzle this time, despite some of my kids' advice that I should "deck" the other coach. I believe our league's "no decking" rules are fairly clear.

ACCION Softball Fever! By Oscar McPhee

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion

12 May 2008

Vol. 32, Pg. 456-5,012

"ACCION Softball Fever!"

by Oscar McPhee

Yes folks, it's that time of year again! Time to revel in the glories of ACCION Academy Softball's finest! From sweet swingin' Joshua to runnin and gunnin' Yensee! From Break-neck chargin' Treavis to "when do I bat? I'm bored!!" Kimberly! ACCION Academy is ready to bust up your pathetic softball party and treat you like a little homo.

For those of you in the dark, this year yours truly has taken on the unenviable task of taking a rag-tag, mop-top, flip-flop pack of scrabbly sixth seventh and eighth graders and turning them into softball champions of the world. Our first game is this Wednesday at four o clock if you wanna come watch us beat the living crap out of PS 246. For now though, let's talk about some of my predictions for the coming season.

Treavis (misspelled in case he ever searches for himself) is the early front-runner for team MVP. He's a classic five-tool player with heart to boot, and will easily charge around those base paths as soon as he brings me a note explaining why he was absent last Friday. Until then he'll be keepin' that bench BOILING HOT!

Yensee (same spelling explanation) thought it'd be fun to touch some broken glass a few weeks ago, and boy has he been keeping his team in stitches! He also better bring some sort of note explaining his absences, as he's the only person I trust to be able to make the long throw from 3rd to super reliable Joshua at first.

Basically there's no way we're ever going to lose. For more player bios and upcoming game results, be sure to visit us at 176th St. and Prospect Ave. dotcom. /softballchampions.

Motocross? More Like Scrotocross! By Oscar McPhee

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion

10 May 2008
Vol. 30, pg. 27-46

"Motocross! More like Scrotocross!"

by Oscar McPhee

Hey, I had to watch something for work tonight, and that thing was the AMF Supercross Lites somethingorother on Speedvision. Basically it's those little stupid motorcycles kids have been buzzing around Harlem on, except these guys are white and older and sound dumber in interviews and go over big dirt hills and fall a lot!

What was most funny was that everyone interviewed had a can of Monster energy drink. And between each question and comment of "Yea dude, I was just like tryin to run my race out there", they'd take a huge staged gulp. They also had dumb names like Ryan Villapoto, Trey Canard, and Oscar McPhee! Just kidding, it's Austin Stroupe, and he won his heat because he and his trainer have been so focused on this 2 o clock on a Saturday afternoon motocross bonanza it's making his head hurt! That is, until he has his codeine-riddled swig of MonsterrrrrR.

Loyal reader(s) (plural? who am I kidding?), I know the tone of this blogg has taken a dive, but I've been up since 7:30 this morning and it's 1:15 AM and I'm still at work. SO LEMME BE!

Anything else to say about Motocross? Text your comments now to 1-900-MOTOANDMONSTER4EVA. You might have to dial 9 first.

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion by Oscar McPhee

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion

7 May 2008

Vol. 27, Pg. 27-30

"The American Journal of Sporting Opinion"

by Oscar McPhee

Over the past several weeks, we here at the American Journal of Sporting Opinion (more like I here - look at the last seven posts!) have been happy to bring you into the cutting edge worlds of sports you've never heard of or ever wanted to hear of. Well, today is a new day with an edge more razor sharp than ever, because now we're (I'm) not only covering sports, but introducing a new one all our (my) own. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you:

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion - The Sport!

Commissioner Hank "Tex" Bourbon heads up a league filled with promising young candidates eager to prove themselves Kings of the Leisure Class. Unemployed, semi-employed, nightly-employed - when it comes to the Journal, anything goes! Let's meet our competitors!

Peter I. Willumsen-Friedman is eager to get started with his sports writing career! In addition to being known as Peter W. Smythe, Peter's other interests include tennis, poker, wearing glasses, and editing the masterpiece of an article he's been working on all these weeks and waiting to wow the internet with. Go get' em Peter!

Daniel J. Friedman is the fearless vice-leader of the zine as well as it's second-most frequent contributor. When he's not walking Rosie and writing musicals and blogs, Daniel is sure to entertain with his beard and flannel shirt! Tear us a new one, Danno!

B. Bryant Rancier enjoys hot sauce, long hair, and tagging his name all over the Grand Canyon. His favorite activities include stepping on little children and starting dance parties among disinterested strangers. Whip it, Friendo!

Benjamin P. Sozanski. The very name conjures great confusion among our competitors, as he almost never seems to write under it. Anytime you see a barely intelligible article written by a half-drunk former newsman or misspelled professional athlete, you know P is in da hoouuuuseee!! We got dicks like Jesus, P.!

And what of our humble narrator? Well, I put it to you, fellow sports bloggians! Step up yo blog-writing game and show me wat u got!!

"Leave Us Alone, Athletes!" by Oscar McPhee

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion
2 May 2008
Vol. 20, pg. 20

"Leave Us Alone, Athletes!"
by Oscar McPhee
Hey sports fan! Like boxing? Well how about I send Felix Trinidad to your house to beat the shit out of you??

No good? Alright, how about football? Great! Dwight Freeney will be by in a bit to sack you before you get to the microwave with that Hot Pocket®.

We like sports for a reason. They show us the kind of fast-paced, rough-and-tumble lifestyle we crave while allowing us to experience it from a safe distance. We're content to see Albert Pujols hit the game-winning home run while we clean dried saliva off our cheek. It's a win-win!

But lately, advertisers and athletes are not content to let a sleeping fat-ass lie. A new batch of commercials has popped up featuring athletes yelling at us about how much better than us they are. There's one where Michael Jordan talks about how much freakin' basketball he had to play to get good, and how stupid we are for thinking he was just born that way. In another, athletes such as football player LaDanian Tomlinson stare directly into the camera and boast about how much faster and stronger than us they are. In a third, Peyton Manning mocks our dreams of six-pack abs; "Unless you're a professional athlete, it's probably not gonna happen. My advice to you is to get bigger shirts."

Is it supposed to be news that athletes are better than me in every conceivable way except for intelligence? Can't you just take your millions of dollars, my blind devotion, all your groupies and blow and just leave me alone??

When I start my ad agency, I'm gonna have white guys with glasses talk about their SAT scores and trust fund. That'll show those millionaire game players!