NFL DRAFT PREVIEW

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion
22 April 2009
Vol. 42, Pg. 426-428
by Michael Jordam





"NFL DRAFT PREVIEW" by Michael Jordam

Well, I guess no one wants to pick me up for the basketball playoffs, so I say why not make lemons out of lemonade?

That is to say, I'm declaring my eligibility for the 2009 NFL DRAFT. That's right, basketball teams, you have less than a week to swoop in and pick up my multi-year, multi-thousand dollar contract (with food incentives). If not, here is how I see the NFL draft going down.

Here's just the top 10, more to come tomorrow.



1. Detroit Lions

Me, Michael Jordam
Ht/Wt: 6-3/247 lbs
Position:OLB
Drafted From: Louisiana Tech
Class:N/A

They really needed a quarterback, but instead they went out and got ME! to make their Linebacking core completely unstoppable. On on-the-field/off-the-field leader with great intangibles and fanstastic size, the Lions are so excited to get the whole package with their number 1 pick.



2. St. Louis Rams

Me, Michael Jordam
Ht/Wt: 6-5/200 lbs
Position: CB
Drafted From: Louisiana Tech
Class:N/A

I really impressed the Rams at my draft-day workout that we scheduled in secret because I'm afraid of the media. I dropped almost 50 pounds and talled up in the offseason, and smoked the competition with my 4.07 second time in the 30 yard dash. My hands are also very impressive.



3. Kansas City Chiefs

Scoot Vandervlootf
Ht/Wt: 6-9/187 lbs
Position: P
Drafted From: Joensuun Kaupunki
Class:N/A

What were the Chiefs thinking with this one? Scoot Vandervlootf? Who's ever heard of him? Somebody's getting fired in the front office for this one, and GM Scott Pioli is going to have some 'splainin to do.




4. Houston Texans (traded from Seattle Seahawks)

Me, Michael Jordam
Ht/Wt: 6-3/247 lbs
Position: QB
Drafted From: Louisiana Tech
Class:N/A

A smart move by the Texans, moving up to get Me at QB. But will it pan out? I've never really played quarterback before, but I'm pretty big so maybe it will be hard to sack me. I'm sure when all is said and done, they'll be happy they traded Mario Williams to get me because I'll probably be a solid game manager and invaluable locker room presence.

Oh, I also forgot to mention, again, that I have intangibles.


5. Cleveland Browns

Michel Crabtree
Ht/Wt: 6-3/210 lbs
Position:WR
Drafted From:Texas Tech
Class:Junior

He's really good! And also a pretty nice guy. I saw a segment on him during college football and he helps his mom or something. I think he bought her a car. Invaluable! Too bad he's not as fast as me.



6. Cincinnati Bengals

Me, Michael Jordam
Ht/Wt: 6-3/210 lbs
Position:WR
Drafted From: Louisiana Tech
Class: N/A

Solid choice, I don't have the hands of a Michael Crabtree, but lookit, he's not on the board anymore! I am, however, exactly the same size as him all the sudden? Don't forget about my blazing speed! Did you know that Jerry Rice wasn't even very fast? I'm going to be so much better than him at wide receier.

7. Oakland Raiders

GOOOOOOOSE, Tony Siragusa (out of ret.)
Ht/Wt: 6-3/340 lbs
Position: DT
Drafted From: University of Pittsburgh
Class:N/A

He's old, but wily. The Raiders really need a veteran presence in the locker room, and who better than this mouthy guy. I'm assuming he learned a lot of the finer points of the game during his tenure as a Fox analyst and he's going to be quite a force when he applies them on the field. He's probably still in great shape.



8. Jacksonville Jaguars

Duke Mandrake
Ht/Wt: 5-7/155 lbs
Position: SS
Drafted From: Hampshire College
Class: Senior

Have you ever wondered what would happen if a regular guy who had no interest in football and was a pretty average athlete was drafted by an NFL team and forced to play for a whole season? Well I'm banking on the Jaguars being curious about this scenario also. Its like: "why not," you know?




9. Green Bay Packers

Me, Michael Jordam
Ht/Wt: 6-3/247 lbs
Position: Special Teams Specialist
Drafted From: Louisiana Tech
Class: N/A

I'm kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel here. I imagine I'll probably hold out until training camp before announcing that I'll never play for Green Bay, at which point I hope they'll trade me to the Steelers. But not for anybody good! We still want to win.




10. San Francisco 49rs

Darius Butler
Ht/Wt: 5-11/185 lbs
Position:CB
Drafted From:Connecticut
Class:Senior

Boooooooring. But probably a smart pick for obvious reasons.

Not in the Playoffs this Year

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion
20 April 2009
Vol. 42, Pg. 426-428
by Michael Jordam

"Not in the Playoffs this Year" by Michael Jordam


Not in the playoffs this year and I am SAD! It seems weird to not be in the playoffs this year for NBA Basketball. The reason that it feels weird is that I am SURPRISED!

For one I thought that all the basketball teams liked me. I've always played better than everyone else and scored the most points. I look very handsome in a uniform. I've had my "World's Naughtiest Black Man" in chinese characters and "calvin peeing on the Ford logo" tattoos removed from my neck so as to become more Fan Friendly.

I know I'm not in the prime of my career anymore but I could still be a valuable addition to any team that is a virtual lock to be the world champion.

Well whatever anyways. I've been spending at least 12 hours in the gym everyday shooting free throws so you have to know that my conditioning will NOT be an issue in case any teams want to make a late in the playoffs or late in the championship game addition of a player with invaluable experience and moxie and is better than everyone else (which is me).

The Kid Who Only Scored Touchdowns

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion
16 April 2009
Vol. 42, Pg. 426-428





The warm Saturday morning sun beat down on the fans filling the bleachers that lined one side of the eighty-yard football field. It beat down on Chase Thomas' back as he crouched in position behind the quarterback, Larry Conrad.

The Catbirds, dressed in bright yellow uniforms, formed a tight line as they faced the green-uniformed Sandpipers. The ball was on the two-yard line, and the Catbirds were trying for the extra point.

"One! Two! Hike!"

Larry Conrad took the snap, turned, and handed it off to Chase. Chase tucked the ball against his chest and charged toward the right side of the Sandpipers' line. Chase plunged forward, closing the narrow hole that split open between right guard Henry Cobb and right tackle Jim Turner. The Sandpipers large defensive end moved to stop Chase in his tracks, but Chase evaded with a nifty spin move. Only daylight remained between Chase Thomas and the painted glory of the endzone. Chase stopped in his tracks - no! He did not score two point conversions: he was "The Kid Who Only Scored Touchdowns."

Chase laid down on the 1/2 yard line and waited for the Sandpipers defenders to pile on top of him. Staring up at the cloudless blue sky, Chase Thomas knew, this was the decision of a true champion.

"What do you think you're doing?" Larry Conrad ran over to Chase.

Larry did not offer Chase a hand getting off of the turf.

"We just lost the All-City championship by 2 points! Now I'll never get a scholarship to Jefferson High!" Chase had never seen Larry that mad before, but it didn't matter.

"The Kid Who Only Scored Touchdowns" only scored touchdowns.

New Stadium in the Works

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion
15 April 2009
Vol. 42, Pg. 426-428

If you heard it here first, you've heard it a million times. A home run for local civic development has lead community leaders to commision a new stadium. Believe it or not, this time the stadium has the backing, financial and non-financial, of a large percentage of local merchants. Erm Fischer, head of development for Local 191, held a press conference late Tuesday to tell local press that ground could be broken as early as early Wednesday morning if the blueprints are approved by the Office of Stadium Management. That scenerio would put a great deal of pressure on the Office of Stadium Budgeting to free up funds for the purchase of shovels, hammers, and other necessary equipment.

Of course, no new stadium would be complete without its share of controversy, and this new stadium is no exception. Most pressing is the utility of the stadium, and in practical terms, why not? Who would play in this stadium? There are no teams in the vicinity, or even near the vicinity, and in fact, past teams preferred not to play in stadiums but rather would play in a large house or bathhouse. Traveling teams perhaps? No, certainly not for obvious and tragic reasons. So what does that leave us with? An empty stadium that hasn't even been built yet, and may be home to virtually nothing when it is complete.

Even more of an emotional lightening rod is the naming of the stadium. Many locals have gotten behind the name "King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud BIG FRESH TIT FAST EATING Stadium" in honor of a local benefactor, regional pornography magazine, and local pasttime. This name has been decried by academics under charge of being "not catchy enough." While this may be, their suggestion, "Stinky Pee Pee Haha" has also failed to find a concensus.

Its hard to throw a stone around here without hitting someone already in the process of editorializing on the topic of "the new stadium," but very little of the talk is leading to real, grassroots solutions to the major obstructions standing in the way of an increasingly murky goal. Its times like these when we miss the statesmanship of men like local-boy-made-good Bobby Abreau. How many of us, in recent months, have found ourselves saying to ourselves "What would Bobby Abreau say to us if he were here or were answering his phone?"

ESPN Mediocre

I just watched some THRILLING Pistons vs. Magic action! Just kidding, it was perfect for ESPN Mediocre.

What's that, you say?

ESPN Mediocre is an idea for a channel that plays just mediocre sports games. Nothing too close, no blowouts. Certainly no breakout or great performances from stars. In basketball, I'd say twelve point wins are the upper limit and eight is the lower. If the game ended with a parade to the free throw line, all the better!

The only question is when ESPN Medicore Deportes will come out. Think of all the 2-nil soccer matches we could be watching!!

Pitt vs. Uconn

Hey did anybody see Pitt vs. Uconn? Me neither.

My dad told me that the Pitt center dominated Hasheem Thabeet of Uconn. You heard it here fourth!

-Oscar

KIA nba shootaround

Hey is anybody watching KIA NBA Shootaround? That's KIA NBA Shootaround.

It's in ESPN HD! Also, everyone is geeked up for Lebron and Kobe. Also, did you know that Amare Stoudamire needs to rebound more and score in the paint to earn the respect of his teammates?

The More You Know...

Superfluous Bowlactomy!

Good heavens! It's been a gaggle of fortnights since we've heard any sporting opinions! This fair writer is just going to have to abandon all formatting and cut right to the chase!

Next Sunday marks the 40whateverth time that millions of people around the world will turn on their pre-DTV era television monitors to watch some frogs say the name of a beer company. Budweiser is the early projected favorite, but don't count your frog endorsements before they're croaked. I'm hearing RUMORS of an Obama Ale launch. Fresh promise-filled taste and a hint of pot and coke residue.

There's also supposed to be a football match, so let's see what we have here. The Arizona Cardinals I assumed was a fantasy team until about a week ago. C'mon, they play at University of Phoenix Online Stadium! And I'm pretty sure they won one of these playoff games by 5 Larry Fitzgerald youtube highlights.

But now they're up against the STEEL CURTAIN. I wonder who decided a curtain sounded more imposing than a wall. Anyway, Troy Polamalu and his dashing locks will pressure the Cardinals in a way they're just not accustomed to after Sundays spent refreshing their ESPN fantasy page every 30 seconds.

But don't count out Kurt Warner. The man rose from a simple grocery bagger to NFL MVP faster than it takes the F Train to make it out to Coney Island after a little white guy complains that a big black guy pushed him down the stairs and then it turns out the black guy is a cop (only one person will get this reference, and based on the numbers of AJSO readers remaining, I like those odds!). Look for Warner to will his team to a few scores late when it looks like the Steelers are going to eke out the clock management championship.

I'm not not saying the Steelers will win, and I'm not not not saying the Cardinals won't. That's how I see it.

-Oscar