New Stadium in the Works

The American Journal of Sporting Opinion
15 April 2009
Vol. 42, Pg. 426-428

If you heard it here first, you've heard it a million times. A home run for local civic development has lead community leaders to commision a new stadium. Believe it or not, this time the stadium has the backing, financial and non-financial, of a large percentage of local merchants. Erm Fischer, head of development for Local 191, held a press conference late Tuesday to tell local press that ground could be broken as early as early Wednesday morning if the blueprints are approved by the Office of Stadium Management. That scenerio would put a great deal of pressure on the Office of Stadium Budgeting to free up funds for the purchase of shovels, hammers, and other necessary equipment.

Of course, no new stadium would be complete without its share of controversy, and this new stadium is no exception. Most pressing is the utility of the stadium, and in practical terms, why not? Who would play in this stadium? There are no teams in the vicinity, or even near the vicinity, and in fact, past teams preferred not to play in stadiums but rather would play in a large house or bathhouse. Traveling teams perhaps? No, certainly not for obvious and tragic reasons. So what does that leave us with? An empty stadium that hasn't even been built yet, and may be home to virtually nothing when it is complete.

Even more of an emotional lightening rod is the naming of the stadium. Many locals have gotten behind the name "King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud BIG FRESH TIT FAST EATING Stadium" in honor of a local benefactor, regional pornography magazine, and local pasttime. This name has been decried by academics under charge of being "not catchy enough." While this may be, their suggestion, "Stinky Pee Pee Haha" has also failed to find a concensus.

Its hard to throw a stone around here without hitting someone already in the process of editorializing on the topic of "the new stadium," but very little of the talk is leading to real, grassroots solutions to the major obstructions standing in the way of an increasingly murky goal. Its times like these when we miss the statesmanship of men like local-boy-made-good Bobby Abreau. How many of us, in recent months, have found ourselves saying to ourselves "What would Bobby Abreau say to us if he were here or were answering his phone?"